16Deep

It was a hell of a week of fantasy football for the league formerly known as Danny’s Fantasy.  And judging by Danny’s lineup for week 4, it’s going to be Danny’s Nightmare as he clearly forgot to take into account bye weeks.  Good luck trying to find a QB to replace Peyton Fucking Manning.  But I digress…  Week 3, here we go!

POONCON RED vs RG300 Thread Counts (The Miloing of the Week):

BEAST. FUCKING. MODE.  After an abysmal week where POONCON RED’s team forgot how to football, Matty Ice redeemed his 3 INT game in his last game with a 3 TD bludgeoning of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Thursday night, which helped POONCON’s cause.   The Thread Counts started essentially the same roster as their triple digit scoring one from week 2, but as it goes with fantasy football, one never knows what’s going to happen on Sunday (and also Thursday and Monday).  After posting  -1 points the week before, starting the Seahawks D against PFM may have been a risky move, but it worked out more in Thread Count’s favor than Danny Woodhead’s broken leg and trusting Green Bay Packers.  Marshawn Lynch’s 2 TDs solidified POONCON’s victory and Alshon Jeffrey’s return from a hamstring issue was the icing on the cake in the 99 – 45.5 Miloing of the Week.  POONCON regains first place in her division after beating a division rival.

O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! Vs Party Like a Gronk Star:

In another divisional game, Gronk Star was going into the game undefeated and was looking to solidify her hold on 1^st place and prove that her worst to first championship last season wasn’t a fluke. Both teams left quite a few points on the bench, including Kaeptain’s Carlos Hyde, who somehow scored more points than his starter, Frank Gore.  None of it mattered as the Falcons defense netted the Kaeptains 28 points in their real life Miloing of the Buccaneers on Thursday.  That coupled with the grotesque underperformance of Shady McCoy (that Carlos Hyde also outscored) sealed the fate of Gronk Stars, dropping them into 2^nd in the division.

Trix of the Trade vs Handegg Hooligans:

This game had hilarity in the making as the Trix and her Bucs at one point had negative points on Thursday.  Without Jamaal Charles, Bobby Rainey and his two fumbles emerged as the Trix’s (Trix’seses?) starting RB.  The Hooligans was projected to dominate, but that goes to show that projections mean nothing.  As with the case with many other teams this week, inexplicable underperformances doomed the Hooligans as Jimmy Graham was held to fewer points than a receiver being thrown passes by Tony Romo.  The win by Trix of the Trade was the first of the season, jumping them from last in the division to number two, leapfrogging the Hooligans that at one point in the season had both RGIII and Johnny Manziel. 

Dime Bag Swagger Gordons vs #Kai ThxBai:

This game came down to Monday night, as the Swagger Gordons needing some points from Jay “DOOOOOOOOOONNNN’TTTTTT  CAAARRRRRRRRRRRE” Cutler.  This game would’ve been a contender for the heartbreak of the week, but not quite (more on that later).  The Texans’s defense managed to lose points for #Kai ThxBai while the Steelers D was sitting sadly on the bench with 13 useless points, which easily would’ve been the difference maker.  The Swagger Gordons roll on to a 3-0 record and an early 2-game lead in their division.

Elevated Conflict vs Beast a la Mode:

A week after Antonio Gates scored 30.5 points against a normally stout Seattle defense, he only managed to put up 0.5 points against the Buffalo Bills, however there wasn’t much to be done for Elevated Conflict, as the other TE on the bench was Jermaine Gresham, who also scored 0.5 points.  Beast a la Mode’s team put in a solid effort, lifting them to merely 3^rd place despite a 2-1 record in a very tough division.  Will they be the 2013 Arizona Cardinals?  Only time will tell.

Dumpster Grill vs I Don’t Remember The Titans:

The Dumpster Grill is starting to look like a dumpster fire as the players on the bench nearly outscored the starters.  Things were firing on all cylinders for the man, the myth, the Quentin Scott as I Don’t Remember the Titans had the highest scoring team this week.  There really isn’t much to say here, except at least the Dumpster Grill wasn’t the Miloing of the Week.

Legatron Prime vs Turn Down for Watt:

And if the Dumpster Grills was a dumpster fire… Turn Down for Watt perhaps just needs to be Put Down by Watt.  The lowest scoring team this week despite initial projections, Turn Down for Watt probably could’ve set their lineup  better.   Sadly, even if they had started key bench players, it wouldn’t have been enough against Legatron Prime, who managed to pull off a victory despite leaving 27 points from Kirk Cousins and 20 points from Fred Jackson on the bench.  Maybe Matthew Stafford isn’t PFM and maybe this is the season to start a Redskins QB.

Commissioner Josh Gordon vs Washington Mullets (The Heartbreak of the Week):

It has been a high and low season for the Commissioner, first the lows and indignity of eating Zebra Cakes and being caught on video white person twerking and then the high of being named the new Commissioner of the league.  And this week… it was the high of the Atlanta Falcons embarrassing the hell out of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers with Juilo Jones snagging 2 TDs to go with his 161 yards, netting 32.5 points… and then the low of losing Josh McCown to injury in a game where it was probably for the best, as the 0 points gotten may very well have gone into negatives.  This matchup came down to the wire as the Mullets needed an incredible performance by Bears TE Martellus Bennett, a former New York Giant.  And as fates would have it, Brandon Marshall came up a bit gimpy, and Jay Cutler found a new end zone target…  Bennett scored enough for the Mullets to tie the Commissioner.  Due to league tiebreaker rules, the higher scoring QB wins the match up, which makes sense as Tom Brady is better the Josh McCown.  So, despite a points total that would’ve beaten 11 other teams in the league, the Commissioner drops to 0-3 along with Dumpster Grill in an early season competition for the Sacko.