What’s up dudes and dudettes. Chip here of the Dime Bag Swagger Gordons with the recap of the first week of games here in the Brunch Lineup Setters and what a first week it ended up being. We had it all: Straight-up blowouts, nail-bitter finishers, fantasy studs that underperformed, sleepers turned studs, all the QB injuries, a unpicked Jags receiver having a fantasy field day, and of course Peyton Manning and Julius Thomas going right back to where they left off last season.
And with that. let’s kick this recap off:
Washington Mullets vs. Turn Down For Watt
In what was arguably the surprise matchup of the week with results I’m sure no one saw coming, Eric’s first foray of running a team was by all accounts a smashing success. Led by the dominant trio of Le’Veon Bell, Cordarrelle Patterson, and the 49ers D, the Washington Mullets easily beat the formidable duo of the Breaux and Sweet D. Not all hope is lost for Turn Down for Watt as they have a solid kicker in Mike Nugent being their leading scorer with 16 points(In Nuge They Trust) and they have a respectable bench with Darren Sproles and Brandin Cooks leading the way so there’s a solid chance for a turnaround in the coming weeks.
FINAL SCORE: Washington Mullets(124.5) – Turn Down For Watt(101.5)
Party Like A Gronk Star vs. RG300 Thread Counts
Much like the defending Super Bowl champions Seattle Seahawks, Durete’s title defense started out strong with a decisive 15.5 victory against Rachael thanks to a strong showing of The Kaep, Shady McCoy, a man named Gronk who actually played a game without being injured(for now). An interesting tidbit is that the champion from the first Suck It League season and former commish, Danny, picked up Gronk last year and didn’t make the playoffs + nearly became the Sacko, so hopefully the curse of the Gronk does not strike again this year. Looking at the Thread Counts, there’s hope that Rodgers and Dezy B will get back to dominant fantasy fashion come week 2 as well as a bit of luck on Rachael’s side since Mark Ingram is finally living up to the all the hype as well as potentially having a starter RB in Terrance West waiting in the shadows of her bench.
FINAL SCORE: Party Like A Gronk Star(83) – RG300 Thread Counts(67.5)
Elevated Conflict vs. Dumpster Grill
And speaking of the former commish, Danny enjoyed the fruits of his #1 draft pick as he steamrolled his way to victory against Erin by following the sacred fantasy football manta “Ye who owns Peyton, plays Peyton and never benches him especially for RGIII”. He also had some solid help from his flex players as Shane Vereen and Knowshon put up respectable numbers. The bad luck bug hit the Grills o’ Dumpster this week with a shocking underperformance of Demaryius Thomas as well as the misfortune of playing the Saints D against a possible resurgent Hotlanta offense. But one should never count out Ms. Grady, especially given how she punched a ticket to the playoffs last year, getting in as the 4th seed with a 5-8 record last year. Though she does own the bane of everyone’s fantasy existence last season in Roddy White so anything can happen.
FINAL SCORE: Elevated Conflict(82.5) – Dumpster Grill(58.5)
#KaiThaxBai vs. Handegg Hooligans
In his first game in the Suck It League, new member Jack showed that despite coming from the land down under, he knows a thing or two about fantasy football. Thanks to solid gains from Antonio Brown, Michael Floyd, and Panthers D, the Hooligans got W numero uno against Alex. Looking at the ThaxBair bench, one has to wonder if Alex’s love for the Washington team got in the way of her playing fantasy-smart as she could have won this matchup via a QB draw had she played the Texans D instead of the Steelers D. Perhaps she thought RGIII would rekindle that ‘12 magic under a new offensive system and bring back the team from the brink of mediocrity. We may never know….
FINAL SCORE: #KaiThxBai(64) - Handegg Hooligans(84)
POONCON RED vs. O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain!
Coming into the season, we all wondered if Emma was to continue to self-Milo herself in some fashion as she did in this past season. But for at least one week, she got away scot-free as she came up the 30-point victor in her match against Rodney thanks to Matty Ice, Beast Mode, and VD. I’m sure that this loss is particularly painful to Rodney, as not even an 31.5 point performance from Megatron couldn’t salvage an overall lackluster team showing with the last salt pour on the wound being Jordan Cameron getting hurt. Thankfully, the TE waiver wire as of right now has some diamonds in the rough, so there is hope.
FINAL SCORE: POONCON RED(119.5) - O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain!(85.5)
I Don’t Remember The Titans vs. Beast a la Mode
Injuries...Injuries...Injuries…. To say that Brian’s team was bit by the injury bug this week is being generous, as he not only saw his starting RB Doug Martin go down, but both his QBs with his starter Killa Cam not even starting the game due to a nagging rib injury in a 30-point loss to the mysterious Quentin. Fortunately for Brian, it appears that both Newton and Martin will be fine for week 2 so there’s a chance of a turnaround moving forward. As for Quentin, his team was not unscathed from injury with Ben Tate getting hurt(shocker…), but given that he has Chris Ivory on the bench, I’m sure he’s not worried.
FINAL SCORE: I Don’t Remember The Titans(88) - Beast a la Mode(58)
Legatron Prime vs. Commissioner Josh Gordon
Adding to the last match recap, I’ll add another I-letter word: Interceptions. That and Injuries are probably the two best words to describe our newly-appointed commish’s team this week after his 19-point defeat to Sam Josh, who thankfully learned from last year’s hilarious mistake that if you have a top-10 fantasy QB, you should probably not bench him as Stafford came through big with 29 points followed by Matt Forte with 20. Not only did Rob at some point on Sunday learned that drafting Romo is never a good idea, he now finds himself possibly short on TEs as both Jordan Reed and Tyler Eifert went down with injuries that could make them miss time for several weeks along with as well as an Eddie Lacy concussion. But hey, at least that Matt Bryant fella is a good kicker and Julio is healthy so that’s something...maybe??
Just goes to show that just because you may have the best Gordon team name doesn’t mean you have the best Gordon team.
FINAL SCORE: Legatron Prime(95.5) – Commissioner Josh Gordon(76.5)
Dime Bag Swagger Gordons vs. Trix of the Trade
Our final matchup was without a doubt the closest out of all this week’s games with it all coming down to Monday. This matchup is also important because we had the fantasy matchup bet of this season(more on that later). Earlier on Sunday, thanks to some underperformances from both Nick Foles and Jamaal Charles, it appeared that Ashley and I would beat the 14.5-point odds that Laura had been proudly boasted about for days thanks to solid efforts from J-Cutty and Demarco Murray. But then Sunday night happened and Julius Thomas just had to lit up the Colts D with TD after TD. Unfortunately for LB, not even Thomas’ 31.5 point effort meant victory as thanks to the Giants D and Joique Bell, the Swagger Gordons came out with the narrowest of wins thus proving 2 things:
1) Projections don’t mean shit
2) Vaginal Hubris is never a good thing and is hazardous to one’s fantasy football health
Though LB does get some sort of a consolation prize since because of her miswording of the bet and living up to her Trixie moniker, as loser she has the power to choose the All Hallows Eve costumes of myself and Ashley. But hey at least, we got that first of many W this season and LB didn’t.
FINAL SCORE: Dime Bag Swagger Gordons(91) – Trix of the Trade(89.5)
And that ends the Week 1 recap and we have some interesting round of games for this upcoming week. All 1-0 teams are facing off against one another in divisional matchups to see who is indeed the top dog of their respective yard in this stage of the fantasy season. We also have the first of two couples’ bowl games this year with the matchup of Rob vs. Michele as well Alex and LB dueling it out in the Battle of the Browns Pt. 2: The Great Brown-Out. If the first week is any indicator for weeks to come, we’re in for yet another insane season.
- Dime Bag Swagger Gordons (Chip)
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