It was a hell of a week of fantasy football for the league
formerly known as Danny’s Fantasy. And
judging by Danny’s lineup for week 4, it’s going to be Danny’s Nightmare as he
clearly forgot to take into account bye weeks.
Good luck trying to find a QB to replace Peyton Fucking Manning. But I digress… Week 3, here we go!
POONCON RED vs RG300
Thread Counts (The Miloing of the Week):
BEAST. FUCKING. MODE.
After an abysmal week where POONCON RED’s team forgot how to football,
Matty Ice redeemed his 3 INT game in his last game with a 3 TD bludgeoning of
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Thursday night, which helped POONCON’s cause. The Thread Counts started essentially the
same roster as their triple digit scoring one from week 2, but as it goes with
fantasy football, one never knows what’s going to happen on Sunday (and also
Thursday and Monday). After posting -1 points the week before, starting the
Seahawks D against PFM may have been a risky move, but it worked out more in
Thread Count’s favor than Danny Woodhead’s broken leg and trusting Green Bay
Packers. Marshawn Lynch’s 2 TDs
solidified POONCON’s victory and Alshon Jeffrey’s return from a hamstring issue
was the icing on the cake in the 99 – 45.5 Miloing of the Week. POONCON regains first place in her division
after beating a division rival.
O Kaeptain! My
Kaeptain! Vs Party Like a Gronk Star:
In another divisional game, Gronk Star was going into the
game undefeated and was looking to solidify her hold on 1st place
and prove that her worst to first championship last season wasn’t a fluke. Both
teams left quite a few points on the bench, including Kaeptain’s Carlos Hyde,
who somehow scored more points than his starter, Frank Gore. None of it mattered as the Falcons defense
netted the Kaeptains 28 points in their real life Miloing of the Buccaneers on
Thursday. That coupled with the
grotesque underperformance of Shady McCoy (that Carlos Hyde also outscored) sealed
the fate of Gronk Stars, dropping them into 2nd in the division.
Trix of the Trade vs
Handegg Hooligans:
This game had hilarity in the making as the Trix and her
Bucs at one point had negative points on Thursday. Without Jamaal Charles, Bobby Rainey and his
two fumbles emerged as the Trix’s (Trix’seses?) starting RB. The Hooligans was projected to dominate, but
that goes to show that projections mean nothing. As with the case with many other teams this
week, inexplicable underperformances doomed the Hooligans as Jimmy Graham was
held to fewer points than a receiver being thrown passes by Tony Romo. The win by Trix of the Trade was the first of
the season, jumping them from last in the division to number two, leapfrogging the
Hooligans that at one point in the season had both RGIII and Johnny
Manziel.
Dime Bag Swagger
Gordons vs #Kai ThxBai:
This game came down to Monday night, as the Swagger Gordons
needing some points from Jay “DOOOOOOOOOONNNN’TTTTTT CAAARRRRRRRRRRRE” Cutler. This game would’ve been a contender for the
heartbreak of the week, but not quite (more on that later). The Texans’s defense managed to lose points
for #Kai ThxBai while the Steelers D was sitting sadly on the bench with 13
useless points, which easily would’ve been the difference maker. The Swagger Gordons roll on to a 3-0 record
and an early 2-game lead in their division.
Elevated Conflict vs
Beast a la Mode:
A week after Antonio Gates scored 30.5 points against a
normally stout Seattle defense, he only managed to put up 0.5 points against
the Buffalo Bills, however there wasn’t much to be done for Elevated Conflict,
as the other TE on the bench was Jermaine Gresham, who also scored 0.5
points. Beast a la Mode’s team put in a
solid effort, lifting them to merely 3rd place despite a 2-1 record
in a very tough division. Will they be
the 2013 Arizona Cardinals? Only time
will tell.
Dumpster Grill vs I
Don’t Remember The Titans:
The Dumpster Grill is starting to look like a dumpster fire
as the players on the bench nearly outscored the starters. Things were firing on all cylinders for the
man, the myth, the Quentin Scott as I Don’t Remember the Titans had the highest
scoring team this week. There really
isn’t much to say here, except at least the Dumpster Grill wasn’t the Miloing
of the Week.
Legatron Prime vs
Turn Down for Watt:
And if the Dumpster Grills was a dumpster fire… Turn Down
for Watt perhaps just needs to be Put Down by Watt. The lowest scoring team this week despite
initial projections, Turn Down for Watt probably could’ve set their lineup better.
Sadly, even if they had started key bench players, it wouldn’t have been
enough against Legatron Prime, who managed to pull off a victory despite
leaving 27 points from Kirk Cousins and 20 points from Fred Jackson on the
bench. Maybe Matthew Stafford isn’t PFM
and maybe this is the season to start a Redskins QB.
Commissioner Josh
Gordon vs Washington Mullets (The Heartbreak of the Week):
It has been a high and low season for the Commissioner, first
the lows and indignity of eating Zebra Cakes and being caught on video white
person twerking and then the high of being named the new Commissioner of the
league. And this week… it was the high
of the Atlanta Falcons embarrassing the hell out of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
with Juilo Jones snagging 2 TDs to go with his 161 yards, netting 32.5 points…
and then the low of losing Josh McCown to injury in a game where it was
probably for the best, as the 0 points gotten may very well have gone into
negatives. This matchup came down to the
wire as the Mullets needed an incredible performance by Bears TE Martellus
Bennett, a former New York Giant. And as
fates would have it, Brandon Marshall came up a bit gimpy, and Jay Cutler found
a new end zone target… Bennett scored
enough for the Mullets to tie the Commissioner.
Due to league tiebreaker rules, the higher scoring QB wins the match up,
which makes sense as Tom Brady is better the Josh McCown. So, despite a points total that would’ve
beaten 11 other teams in the league, the Commissioner drops to 0-3 along with
Dumpster Grill in an early season competition for the Sacko.
EDITORS NOTE: We should come up with a better name for last place. Sacko is so mainstream.
