Keeping with the tradition set by the previous blog post, we have another esoteric theme for each of this week’s matchups. This week, each of the games will be described by song titles of the otherwise- incomprehensible extreme metal band Anaal Nathrakh. With the number of close games this week, it seems particularly apropos to go completely over the top in humiliating the loser of each game, beginning of course with the Commissioner’s:
(Dumpster Grill d. Commissioner Josh Gordon, 116.5 – 81)
Despite posting a score that would beat 11 of the 15 other teams this week, your hapless Commissioner ran into the twin buzzsaws of Russell Wilson’s 36 points and Demaryius Thomas’s 33 points, sending him to 2-5 and proving that he cannot catch a damn break this year – hence the matchup title. Further salt in the wound came as Roddy White caught a garbage time touchdown in a shameful Falcons loss, giving him 20.5 points for Dumpster Grill while the Commissioner’s Julio Jones scored a mere 7.5.
Alternate Title: “To Err Is Human, To Dream – Futile”
(Trix of the Trade d. POONCON RED 63 - 58.5)
Benching Sammy Watkins has been a mixed bag for POONCON RED, and this week marks twice that he’s put up over 20 points sitting on her bench, and when Alshon Jeffrey and Mike Wallace combine for 8 points in your starting lineup, that decision looks more and more like a terrible one. This was by far the lowest-scoring game this week, and so Jesus’s final lament in Aramaic seems appropriate given POONCON’s starting lineup outscored her bench by only half a point: POONCON, why have you forsaken them?
Alternate Title: “Drug-Fucking Abomination”
(Dime Bag Swagger Gordons d. O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! 81 – 75)
The Swagger Gordons now sit at 6-1 on the season, alone with the best record in the entire Brunch
Lineup Setters League. A solid lineup week in and week out and the uncanny ability to consistently put forth the best starting lineup possible has earned those wins for him, while his opponent now sits at 3-4 due to picking the wrong players to bench; starting the Colts defense instead of the Redskins(?!) and Ryan Fitzpatrick against a terrible Pittsburgh defense instead of Phillip Rivers against a stout divisional opponent in Kansas City would have netted him a win.
Alternate Title: “When Fire Rains Down From The Sky Mankind Will Reap As It Has Sown”
(#Kai ThxBai d. Party Like a Gronk Star 65-64.5)
In this battle of housemates, we have our first victory by half a point, which you would think would be a nailbiter that would create furor at the new scoring system somehow screwing someone out of a win. You’d think. However, this matchup is the story of extremely questionable start/sit decisions: Gronk Star played LeGarrette Blount(?) against the Texans D(????) while sitting both Darren McFadden and James Starks, and started Devin Hester at flex while sitting the aforementioned RBs as well as Eric Decker and Danny Amendola. #Kai ThxBai wasn’t immune either, as both quarterbacks on her bench, one of whom is Drew Brees (you read that right) both outscored her starting QB....Carson Palmer. She cut off her nose to spite her face, and still managed to come out of this matchup looking prettier.
Alternate Title: “Der Hölle Rache In Meinem Herzen”
Matchup 5: “In the Constellation of the Black Widow”
(Handegg Hooligans d. RG300 Thread Counts 83.5 – 75.5)
It seems that the Australian behind the Handegg Hooligans will not rest until he has embarrassed as many Americans as possible at fantasy football. Even without Jimmy Graham active this week, he managed to squeeze double-digit point out of 4 of his starters, benefiting from Arizona playing the Raiders. Aaron Rodgers and Dez Bryant nearly made a game of it for the Thread Counts – they’ve been responsible for quite a few unlikely victories for the team somehow in first place in the East division - but in the end, the man from the land of Iggy Azalea emerged victorious.
Alternate Title: “Regression to the Mean”
(Elevated Confict d. Legatron Prime 99 – 96.5)
In this week’s highest-scoring matchup, it was a story of both genius sit/start decisions and incredibly questionable sit/start decisions. Going with 2 tight ends could have been an excellent strategy for Legatron Prime, if only he had started Jordan Reed instead of Heath Miller. On the other side, playing Shane Vereen and Joique Bell over backup darlings Matt Asiata and Storm Johnson paid huge dividends for Elevated Conflict, although Dexter McCluster’s negative 1.5 points in the second flex spot nearly spelled disaster. A high-scoring bloodbath that could have been even higher-scoring and bloodbathier.
Alternate Title: “Bellum Omnia Contra Omnes”
(Washington Mullets d. I Don’t Remember The Titans 78.5 – 73)
The Mullets continue their improbable run of actually winning matchups despite having picked dead last in the draft and apparently not knowing things like, “if the only defense you have is playing the Broncos, you can put them on the bench and get 0 points for defense instead of -4”. The Eli Hype Train has slowed down as well after Tom Brady remembered how to play QB and the Mullets remembered that playing against the Falcons doesn’t suddenly make a QB elite against other teams. Speaking of not remembering things, the Unremembered Titans got unlucky this week: who would have guessed that Chris Ivory would outscore Ben Tate by over 10 points, or Stevie Johnson would outscore Emmanuel Sanders? Or that Adrian Peterson would beat the hell out of a 4-year-old?
Alternate Title: “Volenti Non Fit Iniuria”
(Beast à la Mode d. Turn Down for Watt 78.5 – 65.5)
This week’s final matchup saw Golden Tate go absolutely off, scoring 26 points in Calvin Johnson’s absence (and apparently that of the Saints defense). Coupled with bye weeks sidelining 4 of Turn Down for Watt’s starters, that was a recipe for an easy win for Mr. à la Mode, despite dropping goose eggs in both his second flex spot (Tim Wright?) and on defense (lucky giving up 27 points didn’t go negative for the Bengals). I guess when your opponent has to start Teddy Bridgewater, you can get away with such things.
Alternate Title: “Feeding the Beast”
That wraps up this week’s recap! Be sure to tune in next week, because if this trend continues, you’ll probably end up finding out what crochet pattern best represents each matchup (you won’t BELIEVE which one isn’t a cross stitch!)
Matchup 1: “You Can’t Save Me, So Stop Fucking Trying”
(Dumpster Grill d. Commissioner Josh Gordon, 116.5 – 81)
Despite posting a score that would beat 11 of the 15 other teams this week, your hapless Commissioner ran into the twin buzzsaws of Russell Wilson’s 36 points and Demaryius Thomas’s 33 points, sending him to 2-5 and proving that he cannot catch a damn break this year – hence the matchup title. Further salt in the wound came as Roddy White caught a garbage time touchdown in a shameful Falcons loss, giving him 20.5 points for Dumpster Grill while the Commissioner’s Julio Jones scored a mere 7.5.
Alternate Title: “To Err Is Human, To Dream – Futile”
Matchup 2: “Lama Sabachthani”
(Trix of the Trade d. POONCON RED 63 - 58.5)
Benching Sammy Watkins has been a mixed bag for POONCON RED, and this week marks twice that he’s put up over 20 points sitting on her bench, and when Alshon Jeffrey and Mike Wallace combine for 8 points in your starting lineup, that decision looks more and more like a terrible one. This was by far the lowest-scoring game this week, and so Jesus’s final lament in Aramaic seems appropriate given POONCON’s starting lineup outscored her bench by only half a point: POONCON, why have you forsaken them?
Alternate Title: “Drug-Fucking Abomination”
Matchup 3: “The Destroying Angel”
(Dime Bag Swagger Gordons d. O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! 81 – 75)
The Swagger Gordons now sit at 6-1 on the season, alone with the best record in the entire Brunch
Lineup Setters League. A solid lineup week in and week out and the uncanny ability to consistently put forth the best starting lineup possible has earned those wins for him, while his opponent now sits at 3-4 due to picking the wrong players to bench; starting the Colts defense instead of the Redskins(?!) and Ryan Fitzpatrick against a terrible Pittsburgh defense instead of Phillip Rivers against a stout divisional opponent in Kansas City would have netted him a win.
Alternate Title: “When Fire Rains Down From The Sky Mankind Will Reap As It Has Sown”
Matchup 4: “To Spite the Face”
(#Kai ThxBai d. Party Like a Gronk Star 65-64.5)
In this battle of housemates, we have our first victory by half a point, which you would think would be a nailbiter that would create furor at the new scoring system somehow screwing someone out of a win. You’d think. However, this matchup is the story of extremely questionable start/sit decisions: Gronk Star played LeGarrette Blount(?) against the Texans D(????) while sitting both Darren McFadden and James Starks, and started Devin Hester at flex while sitting the aforementioned RBs as well as Eric Decker and Danny Amendola. #Kai ThxBai wasn’t immune either, as both quarterbacks on her bench, one of whom is Drew Brees (you read that right) both outscored her starting QB....Carson Palmer. She cut off her nose to spite her face, and still managed to come out of this matchup looking prettier.
Alternate Title: “Der Hölle Rache In Meinem Herzen”
Matchup 5: “In the Constellation of the Black Widow”
Matchup 5: “In the Constellation of the Black Widow”
(Handegg Hooligans d. RG300 Thread Counts 83.5 – 75.5)
It seems that the Australian behind the Handegg Hooligans will not rest until he has embarrassed as many Americans as possible at fantasy football. Even without Jimmy Graham active this week, he managed to squeeze double-digit point out of 4 of his starters, benefiting from Arizona playing the Raiders. Aaron Rodgers and Dez Bryant nearly made a game of it for the Thread Counts – they’ve been responsible for quite a few unlikely victories for the team somehow in first place in the East division - but in the end, the man from the land of Iggy Azalea emerged victorious.
Alternate Title: “Regression to the Mean”
Matchup 6: “The Blood-Dimmed Tide”
(Elevated Confict d. Legatron Prime 99 – 96.5)
In this week’s highest-scoring matchup, it was a story of both genius sit/start decisions and incredibly questionable sit/start decisions. Going with 2 tight ends could have been an excellent strategy for Legatron Prime, if only he had started Jordan Reed instead of Heath Miller. On the other side, playing Shane Vereen and Joique Bell over backup darlings Matt Asiata and Storm Johnson paid huge dividends for Elevated Conflict, although Dexter McCluster’s negative 1.5 points in the second flex spot nearly spelled disaster. A high-scoring bloodbath that could have been even higher-scoring and bloodbathier.
Alternate Title: “Bellum Omnia Contra Omnes”
The Mullets continue their improbable run of actually winning matchups despite having picked dead last in the draft and apparently not knowing things like, “if the only defense you have is playing the Broncos, you can put them on the bench and get 0 points for defense instead of -4”. The Eli Hype Train has slowed down as well after Tom Brady remembered how to play QB and the Mullets remembered that playing against the Falcons doesn’t suddenly make a QB elite against other teams. Speaking of not remembering things, the Unremembered Titans got unlucky this week: who would have guessed that Chris Ivory would outscore Ben Tate by over 10 points, or Stevie Johnson would outscore Emmanuel Sanders? Or that Adrian Peterson would beat the hell out of a 4-year-old?
Alternate Title: “Volenti Non Fit Iniuria”
(Beast à la Mode d. Turn Down for Watt 78.5 – 65.5)
This week’s final matchup saw Golden Tate go absolutely off, scoring 26 points in Calvin Johnson’s absence (and apparently that of the Saints defense). Coupled with bye weeks sidelining 4 of Turn Down for Watt’s starters, that was a recipe for an easy win for Mr. à la Mode, despite dropping goose eggs in both his second flex spot (Tim Wright?) and on defense (lucky giving up 27 points didn’t go negative for the Bengals). I guess when your opponent has to start Teddy Bridgewater, you can get away with such things.
Alternate Title: “Feeding the Beast”
That wraps up this week’s recap! Be sure to tune in next week, because if this trend continues, you’ll probably end up finding out what crochet pattern best represents each matchup (you won’t BELIEVE which one isn’t a cross stitch!)
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