It’s that time of year again, the make or break week of the fantasy football season. Week 13 is usually when the best teams move on to compete for the coveted championship and the cellar dwellers vie to avoid being personifications of fantasy Darwinism. However, this season, such drama really didn’t exist and the difference between the playoff teams and the Sacko teams were pretty clear cut from the onset. More mockery for them later...
Here we go with Week 13:
Heartbreak of the Week:
POONCON RED TACOS vs O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! (102.5 - 98)
It wasn’t the closeness of the score that makes this a heartbreak, but it was the playoff implications. With a win and in situation for both teams, Rodney simply wasn’t able to overcome the Poon Tacos. Emma and Tash fielded a very competitive team throughout the early part of the season until Marshawn Lynch and Dion Lewis came down with season ending injuries, leaving the Poon Tacos without a legitimate fantasy running back. The resulting 4-game losing streak knocked them out of the playoff picture and a showdown with Rodney for the 2nd week in a row would decide who takes the final seed in the playoffs. WIth help from newly acquired Shaun Draughn and the reacquired David Johnson and Tom Brady lighting it up, the Poon Tacos were able to hold off the surging Kaeptains to claim the 8th seed. Rodney came within a decent performance from Dez Bryant or starting Kirk Cousins over Philip Rivers to making the playoffs. Better luck next season.
Miloing of the Week:
Handegg Hooligans vs Literally Goodell (127 - 82.5)
It is only appropriate that the 2-11 Goodells get completely Milo’ed to end their regular season. Fantasy football has not been kind to the Commissioner. With neither team making the playoffs, this was like watching the Jacksonville Jaguars play the Tennessee Titans on Thursday Night Football wearing those really ugly color rush uniforms. Except the only rushing involved is both Jack and Rob hoping this season ends so that they can start anew nex year.
Party Like a Gronk Star vs Mike Vick in a Box (115.5 - 105)
Durete finishes the regular season as the top seed in the playoffs as she continues her roller coaster quest to go from worst to first to almost worst to first. Her late pickup of Richard Rodgers to replace an injured Gronk was either a stroke of luck, a stroke of genius, or just a stroke… And just like her Patriots, Durete has somehow managed to win despite no one else wanting her to.
RG3andOUT ! vs Dumpster Grill (102 - 76.5)
League newcomer Zach managed to salvage a win in the last regular season game against Erin and her perennial Dumpster FIre. She actually will be vying for the worst to first title, as the Dumpster Fires came out of last season with the worst record. Welcome to the league Zach, we’re not sorry you didn’t make the playoffs.
A A Ron’s B O’ D’s vs Hut hut Pizza Hut (64.5 - 57)
Danny’s awful season continues as he is defeated by Chip and the spirit of Ashley Griffin. A bag of dicks was likely to have been sucked as Adrian Peterson forgot how to run downfield ad Danny left Thomas Rawls sitting on the bench. Not that this game really matters, Chip retains the number 3 seed into the playoffs while Danny is literally the 3rd worst.
RG3: Basic Bitch vs Legatron Prime (112.5 - 109.5)
SJ still wins the North despite the loss to Alex. But since Alex doesn’t read these write ups and SJ doesn’t need any more praise for his success… this matchup doesn’t get more analysis.
Washington Mullets vs . MariGOATa (110.5 vs 84)
Not even Marcus Mariota can save LB as Eric and his Mullet solidifies his seeding as one of the three teams from the North Division to make the playoffs. The Mullets will be making their quest for a repeat with Tyrod Taylor as their starter and Andrew Luck on the bench… what a difference a season makes. Let’s see if he, like Eli Manning, can ride ODB to a championship.
Geno 911! vs Beast a la Mode (95.5 - 47.5)
The matchup between the number 2 seed and the 2nd worst team this season ended pretty much as expected. This has not been Brian’s season as many of his losses have been blowouts where his score is doubled by his opponents. Not even dropping Roddy White was able to salvage his season. Michele rolls into the playoffs with two QBs that alone would have come close to outscoring Brian this week, not at all a bad situation in a season full of injuries and sadness for many teams.
As we move into the playoffs, we have the following questions:
Can Emma and Tash return to early season form to knock out the number 1 seed, Durete? (Will Tash sabotage Durete’s team by stealing her roommate’s phone?)
Who will win the Battle of the Gingers?
Will the spirit of Ashley Griffin help Chip win it all?
Can Erin pull off a worst to first turnaround?
Will Michele pick the right QB to use to defeat Q. Scott? Or will the mystery man emerge victorious?
It’s playoffs time!!!
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