Ladies and gentlemen... the 2015 Fantasy Football Season has started. Here's to another several months of trash talk, heartbreak, hubris, and ultimately eternal shame for one team, shattered hopes and dreams for 14 others and ill-gotten glory for whoever emerges from this annual shitshow for the championship. There will be trade rapes, remorse, new curses, old curses, Miloings, and maybe more rapping from Rob Sale.
This season, we welcome two rookies into our midst.... Zachariah (RG3andOUT !) and Tash (POONCON RED TACOS). Last year Eric joined the league and shocked everyone by winning it all in his first go around. Perhaps the newcomers will have similar luck... Or will Chip finally win one after coming close two years in a row? Or perhaps Erin can pull a Durete and go from worst to first? It's anybody's season at this point... so here we go with the Week 1 Recap:
POONCON RED TACOS vs I can't feel my fingers [The Miloing of the Week]: 112.5 - 46.5
The first champion of our league is looking to bring the title back to NYC and on paper Danny looked to have drafted quite well... if it was 2012 again. He even included Tim Tebow on his roster but like the SEC Commentator of the Year himself, all the Tebowing in the world doesn't mean a thing in football, fantasy or otherwise.
You'd also think Danny would've heeded the warning that his team name, "I can't feel my fingers" would turn out to be for the aging Peyton "Chicken Parm You Taste So Good" Manning. Sorry dude, Nationwide was NOT on your side.
On the opposite side of the field, we have POONCON RED TACOS, now with more Taco. The Poon/Tacos'... Pacos'? bench could have been competitive against Peyton Manning's Hand Nubs. And finally in the words of Tash: "Matt Bryant!" (Say it like Team America's "Myyyyyaaaaaattt Damon", it's funnier that way)
Party Like a Gronk Star vs Literally Goodell: 102.5 - 93.5
As with the previous game, there is definite foreshadowing with the team names. The real Roger Goodell put up a valiant effort to make sure everyone else's balls were firm while his were snipped off by the poorly drawn courtroom sketch of Tom Brady's dimples. This week's matchup between the Gronk Stars and Literally Goodell didn't end much better for Rob as a dominating performance from Gronk and Julian Edelman proved to be a more fruitful combination than Matty Ice and Julio Jones.
What makes this win for Durete even better is that she forgot she had Gronk on her roster and had to be reminded. This, my friends, is why Tash may never actually unseat Durete as the league's Taco.
Legatron Prime vs Washington Mullets: 102 - 79
The reigning champs didn't fare well as the Mullets took a lost against Legatron. Disappointing games from Andrew Luck and ODB didn't help, but there wasn't really much more than the Mullets could've done to win. In addition to his high scoring starters, Legaton's bench would have defeated 3 teams this week.
O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! vs ODBHJ: 77 - 59.5
Speaking of benches... LB's bench looks AWFUL with three injured running backs, but... she also had AND sat Marcus Mariota and Austin Seferian-Jenkins, potential difference makers in her 77-59.5 loss to Rodney. Sitting a rookie QB makes sense, but why would you start a WR3 over a starting TE in your Flex? The world may never know.
Dumpster Grill vs Mike Vick In a Box: 103.5 - 84.5
Q-Scott, the man, the myth, the loser in this match up... you got burned by the Dumpster Fire. Perennial cellar dwellers, Dumpster Grill put up the 2nd highest score this week with a team that was mostly autodrafted. Maybe this is the year that the eternal flame that is the Dumpster Fire gets put out? But then... Erin is literally all-in with Jameis Winston, with no backup QB on her bench. I wouldn't hold my breath. Or maybe I should, dumpster fires smell bad.
A-Rod's B O' D's vs RG3: Basic Bitch: 97.5 - 78
Leaving 73.5 points on the bench would likely sink any team, but the power of Ashley is compelling Chip and the A-Rod B O' D's Alex was undone by trusting a Washington Football Team receiver that ended up getting hurt trying to chase down an overthrow by Kirk Cousins. Somewhere up there, Ashley said, "Suck a Bag of Dicks" and it was so... Chip is likely to reap the benefits of having a co-owner with more clout than Sweet Baby Jesus Tebow as he tries to avoid being the Buffalo Bills of the league.
Handegg Hooligans vs Geno 911!: 96.5 - 55.5
In another matchup where the team names helped frame the narrative The Hooligans definitely punched Geno in the mouth. Even if Jack had benched all of his players, Travis Kelce and Carlos Hyde almost would have beat Michele and Sweet D singlehandedly. With several injured players on the bench, the Hooligans look to build on this victory. As Geno should really probably actually call 911.
Beast a la Mode vs RG3andOUT ! [The Heartbreak of the Week]: 87 - 82
Welcome to the league Zachariah... you've broken Brian's heart with your win over your fam. Even leaving 80 points on the bench, Zach still emerged victorious in the closest matchup this week. Zach capitalized on Brian's lack of a good tight end as Larry Donnell was outscored by pretty much anyone who played this week. But all of that might not matter as Brian is the one saddled with the The Curse of Roddy White this season. Sorry bro.
This season, we welcome two rookies into our midst.... Zachariah (RG3andOUT !) and Tash (POONCON RED TACOS). Last year Eric joined the league and shocked everyone by winning it all in his first go around. Perhaps the newcomers will have similar luck... Or will Chip finally win one after coming close two years in a row? Or perhaps Erin can pull a Durete and go from worst to first? It's anybody's season at this point... so here we go with the Week 1 Recap:
POONCON RED TACOS vs I can't feel my fingers [The Miloing of the Week]: 112.5 - 46.5
The first champion of our league is looking to bring the title back to NYC and on paper Danny looked to have drafted quite well... if it was 2012 again. He even included Tim Tebow on his roster but like the SEC Commentator of the Year himself, all the Tebowing in the world doesn't mean a thing in football, fantasy or otherwise.
You'd also think Danny would've heeded the warning that his team name, "I can't feel my fingers" would turn out to be for the aging Peyton "Chicken Parm You Taste So Good" Manning. Sorry dude, Nationwide was NOT on your side.
On the opposite side of the field, we have POONCON RED TACOS, now with more Taco. The Poon/Tacos'... Pacos'? bench could have been competitive against Peyton Manning's Hand Nubs. And finally in the words of Tash: "Matt Bryant!" (Say it like Team America's "Myyyyyaaaaaattt Damon", it's funnier that way)
Party Like a Gronk Star vs Literally Goodell: 102.5 - 93.5
As with the previous game, there is definite foreshadowing with the team names. The real Roger Goodell put up a valiant effort to make sure everyone else's balls were firm while his were snipped off by the poorly drawn courtroom sketch of Tom Brady's dimples. This week's matchup between the Gronk Stars and Literally Goodell didn't end much better for Rob as a dominating performance from Gronk and Julian Edelman proved to be a more fruitful combination than Matty Ice and Julio Jones.
What makes this win for Durete even better is that she forgot she had Gronk on her roster and had to be reminded. This, my friends, is why Tash may never actually unseat Durete as the league's Taco.
Legatron Prime vs Washington Mullets: 102 - 79
The reigning champs didn't fare well as the Mullets took a lost against Legatron. Disappointing games from Andrew Luck and ODB didn't help, but there wasn't really much more than the Mullets could've done to win. In addition to his high scoring starters, Legaton's bench would have defeated 3 teams this week.
O Kaeptain! My Kaeptain! vs ODBHJ: 77 - 59.5
Speaking of benches... LB's bench looks AWFUL with three injured running backs, but... she also had AND sat Marcus Mariota and Austin Seferian-Jenkins, potential difference makers in her 77-59.5 loss to Rodney. Sitting a rookie QB makes sense, but why would you start a WR3 over a starting TE in your Flex? The world may never know.
Dumpster Grill vs Mike Vick In a Box: 103.5 - 84.5
Q-Scott, the man, the myth, the loser in this match up... you got burned by the Dumpster Fire. Perennial cellar dwellers, Dumpster Grill put up the 2nd highest score this week with a team that was mostly autodrafted. Maybe this is the year that the eternal flame that is the Dumpster Fire gets put out? But then... Erin is literally all-in with Jameis Winston, with no backup QB on her bench. I wouldn't hold my breath. Or maybe I should, dumpster fires smell bad.
A-Rod's B O' D's vs RG3: Basic Bitch: 97.5 - 78
Leaving 73.5 points on the bench would likely sink any team, but the power of Ashley is compelling Chip and the A-Rod B O' D's Alex was undone by trusting a Washington Football Team receiver that ended up getting hurt trying to chase down an overthrow by Kirk Cousins. Somewhere up there, Ashley said, "Suck a Bag of Dicks" and it was so... Chip is likely to reap the benefits of having a co-owner with more clout than Sweet Baby Jesus Tebow as he tries to avoid being the Buffalo Bills of the league.
Handegg Hooligans vs Geno 911!: 96.5 - 55.5
In another matchup where the team names helped frame the narrative The Hooligans definitely punched Geno in the mouth. Even if Jack had benched all of his players, Travis Kelce and Carlos Hyde almost would have beat Michele and Sweet D singlehandedly. With several injured players on the bench, the Hooligans look to build on this victory. As Geno should really probably actually call 911.
Beast a la Mode vs RG3andOUT ! [The Heartbreak of the Week]: 87 - 82
Welcome to the league Zachariah... you've broken Brian's heart with your win over your fam. Even leaving 80 points on the bench, Zach still emerged victorious in the closest matchup this week. Zach capitalized on Brian's lack of a good tight end as Larry Donnell was outscored by pretty much anyone who played this week. But all of that might not matter as Brian is the one saddled with the The Curse of Roddy White this season. Sorry bro.
0 comments:
Post a Comment